Ever since I was very little, I’ve suffered from a shoulder pain on the left side. I remember that it would always hurt when I played the piano. The pain was never unbearable, but it would always be there, whenever I’m just about to forget about it, subtlely creeping on me, as if it had a little voice of its own.
One year in college, after several years of regular teen-age partying craze, my shoulder problem took a sharp turn south… One day, after seeing a physical therapist, my shoulder, along with my entire neck and several vertebrae on my upper back, felt like a stack of cubes unwinding in all different directions. I could feel that each vertebrae was dislocated in a different and funny way, and the result was – sharp shooting pain whenever I try to turn my body in any direction! This pain persisted for months and I got really desperate. I tried many different doctors and pillows and massages. Nothing was helping. At moments the pain was so intense I was going hysterical. Several months later I was diagnosed to have rheumatic heart disease, a disease in which some valve in the heart doesn’t close properly because it has hardened. Wow! My heart was hardening! In retrospect, I see the symbolism behind the illness to be that there was a deep lack of love in my life, so deep that the heart has decided to shut off all flow of energy and therefore grew hard!
I don’t remember the exact time now, but about more than six months later, I met my Chinese bone and “gua sha” doctor, who slowly treated my back and heart problems. For several years I had this treatment, which really worked on me and I was slowly healing. The pain diminished. My heart problem got better. I had enough energy to work long hours and do regular activities. I was told by this bone doctor that, because of the way my back was out of alignment, I wasn't supposed to bend my back backwards. And it really was the case, for, whenever I did try to bend it backwards, it would hurt a lot and feel like the bones have gone completely berserk and I would need to get it adjusted again. So for about six years now, I did not allow myself to engage in any risky backbending activities.
About a year ago I met a healer and have since embarked on a journey of tremendous healing and spiritual awakening. There has been many ups and downs throughout the journey, and, although there were moments of seeming darkness, every step was a step closer to more light. My heart and upper back problem (they’re interrelated) surely came up in my healing journey, in fact, it is one of my core issues that needs healing. In short, my heart problem led me to heal my relationship with my mother, which is one of the root causes of my disappointing romantic relationships. The issue with my mother involves my grandmother, for ever since I was a child, I was resentful of the way my mother was treating my grandmother. What I chose to perceive as a child and internalized on an unconscious level, was that my mother was a sinner. And to play “let-me-carry-this-burden-I-am-a-martyr” role, I decided (unconsciously of coz!) to carry her sin on my own back, while carrying loads of resentful feelings towards my mom. When I was a child, I used to stay up all the time at night crying over my grandmother. Looking back, it’s incredible to see how issues can develop into as we grow up!
Recently, I’ve been praying for more healing to my heart. I was becoming impatient with the progress of the recovery of my back pain, as it continued to hurt. At times, I was even losing faith in all this healing work. In retrospect, I understand that there is a divine timing to all progresses in life.
In one of my Rainbow Warrior classes with Eva, this issue came up and I was reminded by Spirit that it is time to set myself free from carrying this psychological burden or "backpack", which does not serve me any longer. The night after that class I had a really vivid dream. In the dream, my mother, grandmother and I traveled together in a train which traversed through a tunnel, and on the train, I was carrying my grandmother on my back. The train came to a stop and my grandmother unloaded from my back. She said to me, “You don’t have to carry me anymore.”
Two days later, I went to a Yoga class. I’ve always had a fear about doing Yoga because of my perceived inability to bend my back, however, my heart’s been telling me to do Yoga for a while, and so I decided to give it one more try. During the class, I asked my spirit guides to give me the courage to do each posture. Then came this simple backbending/stretching posture, and I thought to myself, so if I really screw it up again, I will just go to the bone doctor and get it fixed (and that has been exactly what happened in the past!) As I embraced my fear and performed this posture, I burst into tears of release and relief! The repressed energies in my back were released like a dam broke loose. In my third eye, I saw my spirit guides clapping their hands in the air, they were applauding me for having reached a new milestone of my journey! I walked out of the yoga class with a new body and it’s been feeling like that since.
The journey does not end here. The journey will continue. Sometimes it is fun, sometimes it is not. But again, every step is a step closer to more light. This is my journey, what is yours?
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