Recently I’ve been feeling like a hermit, not wanting to be seen, not wanting to be heard, and even not wanting to be here, like HERE, period. Then anyway, I know I go through my phases, like a crab (I’m a cancer rising, if that means anything to you) and I’m fine with that. Today though the feelings were especially intense and during my meditation this morning, I felt deep sadness in the area between my second and third chakra (right where my tummy is). Some emotions were released and I continued to be in that state of feeling I just wanna be home with God.
I pulled up my astrology birth chart. Noted I have a Sun conjunct IC (which literally means the person with this combo likes to live a private life, basically like to be a hermit) and a Mars trine Neptune (which means the person has trouble asserting herself, expressing anger, wanting to “do” anything…). Well I thought, if that’s the case, so be it. That’s me. So I accepted it, celebrated it. Now what. Then there’s that other part of me who knows that all of this astrology stuff is dressing anyway, like our clothes, and we don’t have to be anything on the chart if we choose not to be. The truth is, we are not our emotions, we are not our body, we are not even our mind. If that makes any sense to you. What is important is to understand what’s sourcing the dressing, what’s driving me to be me in this world. That I find enticing. Yummy.
Alright, to the crux of this blog. Continuing to feel the way I was feeling. After lunch, I decided to take a bath. I was intuitively guided to bring with me three candles and pour a few drops of my Aurasoma soul bottle (no. 11) (which is supposed to mean Abandonment!) into the bath. Without any sense of what’s about to happen, I dipped myself in the bath like I would in any usual bath. Then for whatever reason, a stream of suicidal thoughts start filling my mind, all the feelings of not wanting to be here, all the feelings of not feeling worthy, all the feelings of lifelessness filled my entire being. At some point, I thought, hmm… maybe I had a pastlife where I died from drug overdose and I’m just experiencing those feelings again. Felt literally like a “Fallen Angel”… Then I decided to pray. But then even my prayers were lifeless, like did I even wanna get help? .. “Archangel Michael, please bring me some clarity… Archangel Michael, please help me pull through this… etc…” Hope he heard me and will take me seriously.
Then about half a minute later, I turned my body sideways, with my head half in the water and legs bent. Then immediately I started to feel deep sadness and started to cry. Right away I knew I was doing a rebirthing for myself! This is how I felt when I was in my mom’s womb. This exact position, the feelings of not wanting to come to the world. As a baby in the womb, I picked up my parents’ feelings of not wanting me and I held in my subconscious, feelings of abandonment held in my tummy! (Exactly where the umbilical cord is.) Now this isn’t to say that my parents truly didn’t want me. Oftentimes, parents feel this way quite unconsciously without them even knowing it simply because they’re afraid of the huge responsibility of raising a child and of all the changes that come with parenting. And the baby, being fully open psychically when in the womb, picks up on the subtlest thought and feeling of the parent, stores it in his/her subconscious, then go on in the world living out patterns of abandonment without consciously ever knowing why they feel so abandoned! As you may or may not know, 90% of the emotions we feel in adulthood are not triggered by anything you experience in adulthood at all! They are in fact just reminders of emotions we felt and suppressed to the unconscious before the age of 10. So if you feel angry towards someone at work, your anger is probably not really towards that person, but towards someone (likely a parent) that made you feel the same feeling you feel now when you were a kid, or a baby. Pastlife is also possible but what is lived out in a pastlife is lived out in this life anyway, so it isn’t entirely necessary to go so far back. Although sometimes it works too. Just remember that your intention to be healed is always the most important, the therapy, the methodology, the exact root cause are only supplementary.
One little tip for knowing if you may benefit from a rebirthing is to see where your Chiron is on your astrology chart. (Sorry this is only relevant if you know astrology) The Chiron represents the place of wounding in your chart. So if your Chiron is in either House 9, 10, 11 or 12, it means that your wounding occurred while you were in the womb. The ascendant represents the time and place your soul enters the physical world while the cusp of house 9 represents the time and place your soul enters your mother’s womb. My Chiron is in the 10th house.
